I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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