I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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