Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
