You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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