Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
only you would photoshop your dick
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
