worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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