Too much gin, very little bucket
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
