Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
