Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
