i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
So. Much. Porn.
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