Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
