mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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