1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize