I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
