I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
