Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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