i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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