just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
