if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
