how can u be prego again
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
