I seem to have left my pride at pride
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
