The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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