i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
