I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
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He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
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I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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