i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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