she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
then he tried to convert me to islam
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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