Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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