Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Randomize
