She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
