What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
