yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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