if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
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hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
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Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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