Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
