my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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