In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just found puke in my bra..
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
