i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
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They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
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Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
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