I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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