My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
