I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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