ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
