Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
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Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
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Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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