We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
