So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
