if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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