He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
