running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
