just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
