So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing