i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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