There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
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I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
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I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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