Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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