Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
