my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
