I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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