totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
