Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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