um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
