I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
