awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
